21st Century Marriage: A Social Worker’s Perspective

By Marcia Naomi Berger, MSW, LCSW

Is marriage becoming obsolete? About half of first marriages end in divorce, as do 60 percent of second marriages and 70 percent of third ones.

The apparent crisis state of the institution is a reflection of huge societal shifts that have occurred in recent decades. These changes have bred new expectations for marriage, which are often unconscious. Consequently, people tend to lack clarity about why they are marrying and what they hope to gain from the union. When the marriage falters, they tend to blame their spouse or the institution of marriage, saying it is obsolete.

Marriage is not outdated; it is evolving.

Until about 50 years ago, most women needed marriage for financial security and social status. Marriage was the only career option for most middle class women. Cohabitating couples were stigmatized, as were people who divorced or stayed single. Sexual relationships and bearing children outside of marriage were also frowned upon.

Until sometime in the 1960s a joke circulated saying women went to college for an MRS degree. Many women did marry soon after graduating and became housewives and mothers. Betty Friedan’s book, The Feminine Mystique, was a harbinger of the huge societal changes that were about to rock the established order.

What a difference a few decades have made! Now most women hold jobs, and a third of married women out-earn their husbands. Clearly, the rules have changed. The old reasons for marrying, by and large, no longer apply.

What looks like a current marriage crisis is the result of a widespread lack of understanding for how to create a satisfying 21^st-century marriage. What most people really want, whether or not they know it, is a relationship that fulfills them emotionally and spiritually, as well as physically and materially. When these higher needs (think Maslow’s [who?] hierarchy) are not met, many place the onus on their spouse. Some blame the institution of marriage, saying it is obsolete.

I don’t think marriage is obsolete. I think marriage is evolving — and that’s a good thing!

The vast majority of people can create lasting, loving marriages; they just need to learn how. I recommend that couples to hold a weekly 30-minute “marriage meeting” with a simple format that covers all the important aspects of the relationship. Any two people who live under the same roof can benefit from holding similar meetings. The meetings techniques can be applied effectively in other settings too, such as in nonprofit agencies and in business environments.

A marriage meeting has four parts: appreciation; chores; planning for good times; and problems and challenges.

1. During appreciation, each partner takes an uninterrupted turn to say what her or she liked that the spouse did during the past week.

2. Chores is the business part of the meeting. Each partner brings in a to-do list. Together, they agree on who will take care of what task(s).

3. Planning for good times is when the couple schedules a date for just the two of them. Spouses are also encouraged to plan enjoyable activities for each partner to do individually.

4. During problems and challenges, couples are advised to start with light concerns during early meetings and to make sure to use positive communication skills. An easy-to-resolve challenge, for example, can be when one partner is trying to lose weight and asks the other to help, such as by either not bringing home the tempting junk food or by hiding it. Once the couple gains confidence in holding effective marriage meetings, they can introduce more challenging topics, like in-law issues, money, sex, and parenting concerns.

Some people object to the idea of a formal meeting. The trade-off is worth it, though, because without an ongoing system for addressing the details of life together that need attention, it is easy to ignore them for too long. One spouse might want to talk about something when the other one is preoccupied or decide to wait for a right time that never seems to come. If the person does bring up a sensitive matter when the partner’s mind is elsewhere, the former can feel like having entered a minefield.

Similarly, it’s easy to forget to express appreciation or to plan dates and other enjoyable, restorative activities. Chores can pile up or get mishandled. By scheduling times for marriage meetings, spouses reconnect and feel valued by each other every week. After meeting for a while, the meetings benefits extend to everyday interactions. Partners notice what they like about each other more often, give compliments, and use positive communication techniques routinely. 

You’ve probably heard people explain their failed marriage by saying, “We just grew apart.” Couples do not grow apart; they drift away because they stop making time for each other. Marriage meetings provide a weekly wake-up call for staying connected emotionally, intellectually, physically, and spiritually.

On a personal note, my husband and I have been holding weekly meetings since shortly after marrying, and we just celebrated our 26th wedding anniversary.

Marriage meetings foster romance, intimacy, teamwork, and smoother resolution of issues — a golden opportunity for a lasting, fulfilling 21^st-century marriage!

Psychotherapist Marcia Naomi Berger, MSW, LCSW, is the author of Marriage Meetings for Lasting Love: 30 Minutes a Week to the  Relationship You’ve Always Wanted, where you will find detailed guidelines, step-by-step instructions for conducting each part of a Marriage Meeting agenda, along with communication skills for successful meetings and many case examples. Based on the book Marriage Meetings for Lasting Love, copyright © 2014 by Marcia Naomi Berger.